Note From The Author: I like to write my blog posts in the format of an interview I’m having with myself. I find it more empowering to both myself and others to know we may have different points of view and that there is no “one size fits all” when it comes to decisions, values, and framing experiences. If you like, you can reflect on the questions at the beginning of each post for yourself – they might make good journaling prompts or topics for contemplation. (If you care to share, I’d love to read your responses in the comment section below.)

Here is me – you do you!

Q: What is something that makes you feel misunderstood or left out? What would you say to those who don’t seem to understand or include you? How might the situation look if you felt understood or included?

A: When I think about this question of inclusion and acceptance, what comes to mind is the yoga and running communities I have tried to be a part of in the last 5-10 years.

I’ve had steady long-term relationships with both yoga and running (17 and 25 years–respectively), and the honeymoons are long, long over — like, disgustingly so. We are all wearing sweatpants around the house and ignoring each other while scrolling on our smartphones now. I’ve continued to find novelty with each one periodically, but more importantly, I’ve just been consistent regardless of whether I even actually enjoy it on any given day. And you know what? More often than not, I am grateful I showed up and did the thing. But they are rarely something I get excited about or feel passion for anymore.

I have a background of creating very consistent — but fairly non-intense practices. I know I’m capable of doing the thing regardless of having company or guidance. I have mostly done both of these things solo. I mean, they are basically my constant companions that I have learned to count on and just do.

But I’ve tried to purposefully join communities based around these activities. Big mistake. I’m kind of kidding…but I was honestly a bit underwhelmed. Not only did I not connect with others around our shared hobbies the way I would have hoped, I actually started getting really jealous of how passionate they were for these boring, boring, sweatpants-wearing, smartphone-scrolling activities I have consistently incorporated into my life for a long time.

Every time I’d see a #yogaeverydamnday post, all I could think was, “Every damn day? Really? What, you got demands, yoga?” Every time I’d hear people talking about someone’s run on Strava, all I could think was, “I’m so confused…now you’re stalking me, running? Come on.” There are just so many parts of both running and yoga culture that don’t resonate with me these days, and that makes me feel like an outsider. It’s feels like a subtle pressure to fit into the group mentality.

I guess when I reflect on it all, I was (am) just feeling so misunderstood and left out. I don’t feel like I fit in at all with people who are obsessed with one activity. I feel inherently like I can’t bond with others, just because I can’t fake that much interest in these [incredibly valuable, but kinda boring-to-me] activities. Not only that, but I’ve actually been consistently doing these things for longer than a lot of the community members…but it feels like they see me as someone who isn’t really serious about these activities. And you know what? It hurts. It’s lonely (especially since I used to do yoga and run with my ex). And it doesn’t feel good. Being part of the group actually makes me feel like I am excluded and unwanted.

I think what I would say to people who don’t seem to understand me or include me is that what I’m doing obviously works better for me than fitting in. I’m not the best runner, or the most flexible yogini, and I never will be. But I haven’t had a major injury that really hindered my training (other than a broken toe) in 17 years. When I trained to run Mount Ashland (It used to be listed as the run with the second most elevation gain in a continuous hill climb in the continental US, but who knows, maybe there are others these days? Basically, it’s a pretty hard run.) and Big Sur, I actually only ran two days a week! That is fairly odd for a “serious” training program. But it left me plenty of time for pilates, yoga, cycling, bouldering, circuit training, and other things I liked doing…and I didn’t end up injured like when I used to run 6 days a week.

I’ve also never done a hot yoga challenge. I just don’t feel the need for #yogaeverydamnday since it became popular I guess. Maybe if yoga would get off TikTok for like, 2 seconds, we’d reconnect again. Sigh.

I’m the same way now. The days I’m not doing yoga or running give me a chance to train for acro, pole, and aerial arts; to dance, to recover, and to create choreography. What I’m doing works very well for me and doesn’t make me less legitimate as a yoga practitioner or runner. Not only that, but I have a lot (like…A LOT) more passion for these other activities than I do for running and yoga. But me and yoga and running have a good thing going too, and I’m not about to quit them either.

How might the situation look if I felt understood and included? Luckily, I think I have an idea, from attending pole and aerial classes. Maybe everyone’s individuality would be encouraged, rather than a group-think mentality. Maybe it would be ok to be “closed-minded” if you just knew something wasn’t your thing. Maybe it would be expected that you’d just do your thing and express your truth to others. Maybe showing up consistently for years and “running your own race” would be celebrated as much as some of the official races.

I remember one time a co-worker (a really interesting co-worker, at that!) said he really appreciated how many interests I had, and how I wasn’t one dimensional and didn’t hide all the different things I did outside of work. It has really stuck with me as a comment that made me feel super supported in being myself.

I know people get caught up in their passions, and I am genuinely happy for them when they discover them. And it’s totally ok for people to have one main passion rather than many. It just so happens that my passion is being myself and honoring my long-term relationships. Every community has its own culture, and not all of these cultures involve encouraging people to be themselves. The joy that comes from knowing I can do my thing even if I don’t fit in, and even if I end up alone, for me outweighs the loneliness that accompanies trying to fit in with the crowd that doesn’t know the real me. And when you find a fellow oddball who likes the same strange blend of hobbies as you and really gets you…it’s so so priceless how special that is.

(Fun fact: I actually usually wear sweatpants around the house as well as in public and don’t think there is anything wrong with that… just couldn’t think of a better metaphor. Comment if you have one!)

Do you have any reflections on feeling misunderstood or left out? I’d love to hear your thoughts, too!