Note From The Author: I like to write my blog posts in the format of an interview I’m having with myself. I find it more empowering to both myself and others to know we may have different points of view and that there is no “one size fits all” when it comes to decisions, values, and framing experiences. If you like, you can reflect on the questions at the beginning of each post for yourself – they might make good journaling prompts or topics for contemplation. (If you care to share, I’d love to read your responses in the comment section below.)

Here is me – you do you!

Q: What is something you accepted as true that has significantly affected your outlook on life in a negative way? Is it really true? How has it impacted how you live your life?

A: Hmmm…a few things come to mind for me. I feel like there are so many answers, because I accept so many things as true on any given day. The one I feel most called to talk about now though, is something a marriage counselor told me about porn a few years ago. After I told her how horrified I was with seeing what my ex watched, she told me, “Most women don’t like the porn their partners watch.”

(Just a note to anyone reading further, there will be POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING CONTENT to follow related to the topic of pornography.)

So, based on her nonchalant attitude and factual approach, I just accepted that this statement was true and was not a concern to her in any way. It seemed like she thought she was just giving me a reality check as to the way things are. But it actually has really affected my perspective super negatively, especially in the context of my situation. When I started to consider whether it was really true — I have to say, I’m not sure. Was this statement based only on her personal experiences and interactions with people as a counselor (which would be limited to people seeking the services of a marriage counselor)? Was it based on research (if so — who was surveyed)?

Of course, once I started to question the statement, that led to even bigger questions. Ok, so let’s say for a moment that this is true (which we haven’t necessarily proven, but let’s entertain that). So now, there are much more important questions I want to ask. Why don’t they like it? Is there an assumption that they should like (or at least tolerate) it, but don’t? What were their reactions to it? What was the content of the porn? Who made it? What other issues were at play in their relationships? There are certainly more questions. And while I can’t really answer them for anyone else, I can share my story and my answers.

I didn’t like the porn my ex watched because it depicted women being coerced, disrespected, treated as commodities, and raped. It was obviously made by hetero men, for hetero men. It made me feel sick to my stomach because of the horrific images I saw, and the knowledge that my partner was into it. The marriage counselor insinuated that he was probably watching it because he was not very dominant in the rest of his life (Side note — is that even true either? Last time I checked, there are lots of things a person could do if they are having issues with feeling dominated, besides watching women get raped). He was watching porn instead of trying to be intimate with me, and here I was feeling like I was the one who was the f***** up asshole because I wasn’t supporting his porn habit that victimized other women (PornHub’s poor track record of doing anything significant to prevent human rights violations later became widespread public knowledge) and because I knew how to ask for things I want and set boundaries.

Needless to say, this traumatic moment with the counselor had a big effect on my outlook on life and how I live. I never did receive any support from her. For a while there, it left me quite depressed — I struggled with daily feelings of wishing I was dead for several years, as well as being “accepting” of men treating women badly as long as the woman seemed to kind of consent rather than openly protest. (I apologize that this discussion is all very heteronormative – it’s because it’s based on my own experiences.)

It’s honestly a little hard to write all my thoughts on this topic, since I have now become so trained to try to accept things that really seem wrong and yucky to me. I don’t want to tell someone that the way they are is not ok. I don’t want to put down other people. But also – I really don’t want to do that to myself, either.

I still don’t know if what the counselor said was even true, although even if it is, I no longer see it as something that needs to be accepted as “the way I should expect things to be.” Personally, I believe that there is so much harm that can come from letting typical socialization, statistics, and gender roles determine what our lives should look like. I am my own unique person who can reflect on my own personal preferences and values and what I think is right for my life, and I would expect nothing less from a partner. It seems to me that a guy who wants to genuinely connect with his partner wouldn’t be that interested in watching porn that drives them apart.

These days I generally say that I hate porn, but a lot of that revolves around current common forms of porn, uses of porn, and issues that are associated with the industry. I consider myself very sex-positive…but to me, that doesn’t involve me accepting things that bring me pain rather than pleasure or that hurt me or other people, or entertaining fantasies that reinforce harmful gender stereotypes. And porn watching just straight up would never be my thing – anyone who knows me, knows I’d rather do something fun than watch someone else do it. 😉

But why then, do I still feel so guilty about knowing my values, feelings, and preferences? Why is there this lingering notion that I should learn to love (or at least accept) watching people acting like painful things are fun, watching straight up human rights violations, watching cliches and fake bodies?

Possibly because the response I deserved to hear from the counselor was:

“Rape is wrong, coercion is wrong, treating humans as commodities is wrong. Maybe the reason you feel disgusted is actually because you find these things disgusting. When your partner gives his attention to these images instead of and in spite of you, it does not create the intimacy and connection you need to nurture your relationship. Based on the kind of person you are, you are probably bored by a partner that likes to watch porn instead of creating their own experiences based around equality, love, affection, and creativity. And you will probably be disgusted by men who haven’t been able to step outside of the typical socialization that leads them to think sex should be related to dominating others or porn is something they need to express their sexuality. And that is ok, because there is no reason you need to tie yourself to a partner who infuriates or disgusts you on a daily basis. Even if your partner has been wonderful to you in many ways, you do not need to support something that makes you this miserable. This isn’t like a new hobby he picked up or a professional goal he’s pursuing or a health condition he’s dealing with. You are not a bad person for not standing by him while he chooses to watch human rights violations. Although you are seeing a marriage counselor, some marriages are not worth trying to stay in…nor is it possible to truly improve them without participation from both parties.”

I am glad that I have found a way to give that response to myself, and also fortunate that I was not tied to my ex financially, and could therefore leave. (Not everyone has the ability to easily leave a shitty situation — to me, part of the work of intersectional feminism is to ensure that more people have the option to separate themselves from someone who has become bad for them.)

This does continue to impact my life though. I still definitely struggle to trust men to act like decent human beings…or counselors to, for that matter. Not everything gets to be wrapped up with a neat little bow and called done just because we have had some healing around it, I guess.

(Note: I also wrote to the counselor and sent her copies of court documents implicating PornHub in sexual assaults so that she would be aware of the gravity of the traumatic content I had seen and the traumatic effects of her session, and signed a petition to help improve practices in online porn so that hopefully this sexual abuse will not continue to affect others. If you know of more ways to help improve this situation or support victims of this abuse, please comment below.)

And I’m curious… is there something that you have accepted as true that has significantly impacted your life? Is it really true?